Chat Up Lines

HERE is the top joke in the UK:

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen, ugh!”

She sits down fuming and says to her neighbour: “The driver just insulted me!” He replies: “Go and tell him off – I’ll hold your monkey."

HERE is the top joke in the US:

Two men are playing golf when one sees a funeral procession pass the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap and prays.

His friend says: “That’s the most thoughtful and touching thing I ever saw.”

The first man replies: “Well, we were married 35 years.”

Here is the top joke in Australia:

A woman tells the doctor: "I looked in the mirror and my hair was all frazzled, my skin was wrinkled, my eyes were bloodshot and my face looked corpse-like. What's wrong?"

The doctor look at her for a minute, then says: "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

HERE is the top joke in Belgium:

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

HERE is the top joke in Northern Ireland:

A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news and worse news. Firstly, you have only 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “That’s terrible, how can it possibly get worse?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

HERE is the top joke in Canada:

When Nasa first sent up astronauts they found ballpoint pens wouldn’t work in zero gravity.

Scientists spent 12billion dollars developing a pen that worked in zero gravity, upside down, under water, on any surface and in freezing temperatures. The Russians used a pencil.

HERE is the top joke in Germany:

A general noticed a soldier behaving oddly, picking up a piece of paper, frowning and saying: “That’s not it,” before putting it down.

The general arranged for the soldier to have psychological tests, which showed that he was deranged.

So the general wrote out a discharge form. The soldier picked it up and said: “That’s it!”

HERE is the top joke in England:

Two weasels are sitting in a bar when one starts to insult the other, screaming: “I slept with your mother!”

The bar goes quiet while everyone listens for the reply.

The other weasel says: “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk.”

HERE is the top joke in Wales:

A tortoise in New York was mugged by a gang of snails.

When a detective asked him what had happened, he replied: “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Here is the top joke in Scotland:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.